When Loss Turns Your World Upside Down
Losing someone you love – whether a family member, dear friend, or even a cherished pet – is one of life’s most painful experiences. In an instant, your world changes. It’s normal to feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster. Grief is not just one feeling but a whole mix of them: shock, sadness, anger, guilt, disbelief, loneliness, even relief in some cases – often coming in waves that can knock you off your feet. You might have days where you can’t stop crying, and others where you feel strangely numb. You might even feel physical symptoms: a tight chest, fatigue, headaches, or trouble sleeping and eating (michigan.gov). All of these reactions are normal, as painful as they are. Grieving isn’t something you do “wrong” or “right” – it’s a human response to loss, and it takes time.
It’s important to understand that these intense and enduring feelings are actually a normal part of the healing process (urmc.rochester.edu). As crushing as grief can be, feeling those feelings is part of how you eventually move forward (urmc.rochester.edu). In a way, the pain of grief is a reflection of the love and the bond you had. It’s your mind and body processing the reality of the loss. Sometimes people worry that their emotions are too extreme or that they’re “losing it.” But grief doesn’t follow polite rules. You might be perfectly composed one minute and then break down because a certain song comes on or you find a photograph. This is all part of the journey.
One thing many people find helpful is learning about the grieving process – not as a strict roadmap, but as a reassurance that what they’re going through is typical. You may have heard of the “five stages of grief” (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). These can be useful concepts, but real grief is rarely so orderly. You might not experience all those stages, or you might cycle through them in a single afternoon. There is no linear timeline for grief and no set sequence (michigan.gov). Some people start to feel a bit better in weeks or months; for others, it’s many months or years (michigan.gov). And “feeling better” doesn’t mean you stop missing your loved one – it means the acute pain gradually lessens and you find ways to live on while keeping the person’s memory a part of you.
No “Right” Way to Grieve
Every individual, every loss, is different. Your relationship with the person who died, the circumstances of the loss (sudden? expected after illness?), and even your personality and cultural background all influence how you grieve. So, it’s really important to take any societal expectations about grief with a grain of salt. Well-meaning people might say, “It’s been a few months, you should be moving on,” or you might yourself wonder, “Why am I still so broken a year later? What’s wrong with me?” The truth: there’s no standard timetable or “finish line” for grief (michigan.gov). However long it takes is however long it takes. Some people find that after a certain period they can function normally but still have moments of deep sadness even years later, especially around anniversaries or important events. That doesn’t mean they’re doing it wrong – it means love lasts, and so does missing the person.
Similarly, there’s no single “correct” way to grieve. Some express grief very outwardly – crying often, talking about their loss a lot, wanting to memorialize the person publicly. Others grieve more inwardly – maybe appearing stoic, crying in private if at all, processing feelings through solo activities like writing or exercising. Some find comfort in spiritual or religious practices, while others might struggle with their faith after a loss. Give yourself permission to grieve your way. If certain rituals or activities help (visiting the grave, creating a scrapbook, wearing their jewelry), embrace them. If certain comments or pressures from others (like “be strong” or “they’re in a better place”) don’t resonate with you, it’s okay to gently distance yourself from those and find your own sources of comfort.
It’s worth noting that children grieve differently from adults, and men might express differently than women due to social conditioning, but again – everyone has their own style. The key is finding healthy outlets for your grief rather than bottling it up or trying to “get over it” by avoiding it. Unresolved grief – when feelings are suppressed – can lead to longer-term issues like depression or complicated grief (a condition where someone becomes stuck in intense mourning). It might be painful to face the grief, but allowing yourself to mourn is ultimately what helps you heal.
The Healing Journey: Coping and Self-Care
While there’s no shortcut through grief, there are healthy ways to cope and gradually find a new normal. Think of healing as a journey (with ups and downs) rather than a destination. Here are some strategies to navigate grief:
- Reach Out for Support: You don’t have to do this alone. In fact, you’re not meant to. Humans have always leaned on community in times of loss. Support from others is one of the most important factors in healing (urmc.rochester.edu). Talk to friends or family members who are good listeners. Sometimes people shy away because they don’t know what to say – you can let them know it’s okay just to listen, or that you simply need a hug or company. Consider joining a grief support group (many communities, churches, or hospice organizations offer them, and there are online groups as well). Being with others who have experienced similar loss can make you feel understood and less alone. If you feel like your usual circle doesn’t understand what you’re going through, a support group or a grief counselor can be immensely validating. As a wellness coach, I often refer clients to grief counseling for additional specialized support – it’s not a sign of weakness, but a smart step to help you cope. Remember: sharing your story and your feelings in a safe space can lighten the load.
- Allow Yourself to Feel: This might sound obvious, but many people instinctively try to hold in or stifle their emotions to appear “okay” or because they’re afraid once they start crying they’ll never stop. Trust that you willstop, and that every tear has its purpose. If you need to sob into a pillow or scream in the car, that’s okay. If you need to laugh at a funny memory in the midst of tears, that’s okay too! Grief often brings a rollercoaster of emotions – you might even feel anger (at the situation, at someone to blame, even at the person who died for leaving you). Instead of judging yourself for any feeling, accept that grief can trigger many unexpected emotions (michigan.gov) – and experiencing them is necessary for healing. Writing in a journal can be a helpful way to let out feelings if talking is hard. Some people also find creative outlets like painting, writing a poem, or playing music to be therapeutic, as it channels the emotion somewhere.
- Take Care of Your Physical Needs: Grief takes a toll on the body as well as the mind. You might not have an appetite or you might want to eat all the comfort food in sight; you might find it hard to sleep or want to sleep all day. Try to maintain some basic self-care routines: eat regular, nourishing meals, even if small – your body needs fuel (and eating with a friend can help if you have trouble eating alone) (urmc.rochester.edu). Exercise gently – a short walk outside can help clear your head, improve your mood, and even help you sleep at night (urmc.rochester.edu). Speaking of sleep, establish a simple bedtime routine to help with insomnia: maybe a warm shower, avoiding screens an hour before bed (urmc.rochester.edu), or sipping herbal tea. If sleep problems persist, talk to your doctor. Taking care of your body gives you a stronger foundation to deal with emotional pain. It’s not about “snapping out of it,” it’s about not adding a health crisis to your plate. Think of self-care not as indulgence, but as survival essentials during grief. Even small acts – staying hydrated, getting fresh air, taking prescribed medications or vitamins – are victories when you’re grieving.
- Honor Your Loved One’s Memory: Finding ways to stay connected to the person you lost can be very healing. Grief experts often talk about “continuing bonds” – recognizing that your relationship with that person isn’t over; it’s just changed form. You might light a candle on their birthday, create a memory box with photos and mementos, or carry on a tradition that was special to them (like baking their favorite cookies at the holidays to give to others in their honor). Some people write letters to their loved one as things happen in life (“Dear Mom, I got the new job today, I wish you were here to celebrate with me.”). Others might plant a tree or make a charitable donation in their memory as a living legacy. These acts are not dwelling in the past – they’re integrating the loss into your life story in a positive way. It’s okay to find comfort in rituals or connection; it does not mean you haven’t accepted the loss. In fact, these actions can help you move toward acceptance by acknowledging the reality of the loss while still feeling the love.
- Be Patient and Compassionate with Yourself: Some days will be harder than others. Grief can resurface unexpectedly – maybe months down the line you suddenly have a really bad day. That’s normal. Healing doesn’t mean a straight upward trajectory; it’s more like waves that gradually become less intense. Remind yourself that it’s okay to have a tough time. Often people put pressure on themselves to “get back to normal.” After a major loss, life may never be exactly the same, and that’s okay. You will find a new normal in time. Give yourself credit for small steps: getting through a day of work, or cooking dinner, or attending a social event again for the first time. All of these are like healing milestones. If you find yourself feeling guilty for moments of happiness (“How can I laugh when they’re gone?”), know that your loved one would want you to find joy again. It doesn’t diminish your love for them. It’s alright to live your life, even as you carry their memory with you.
Finding Hope After Loss
Right now, if your grief is fresh, “hope” might seem distant. But in my experience working with clients (and in my own life losses), the intensity of grief does soften over time. You begin to have more days when the sun peeks through, when you remember your loved one with a smile instead of just tears. Grief never disappears completely – and honestly, would we want it to? It’s a testament to the depth of our love. Yet, humans have a remarkable ability to heal.
Over time, you may find meaning in your loss, or new strength in yourself. Some people channel their grief into causes (like advocacy for a disease that took their loved one). Others say grief taught them to cherish others more deeply or to not sweat the small stuff. There is no required meaning to find – but often, survivors emerge with a greater empathy and a reaffirmed sense of what’s important in life.
As you move forward, keep the conversation going – with friends, with a support group, with the memory of your loved one (“What would they advise me right now?” can be comforting). And remember, seeking professional help (grief counseling or therapy) is absolutely okay at any point, especially if you feel stuck or overwhelmed. Warning signs that you may need extra help include: feeling that life isn’t worth living without your loved one, being unable to function at all for an extended period, or turning to unhealthy coping (excessive alcohol, drugs). Therapists are trained to guide you through complicated grief and can be a crucial lifeline.
Above all, hold onto this truth: you are not alone. Countless others have walked this hard road and are walking it with you now in spirit. The journey of grief is the price of love, but it’s also a journey towards healing. One day, you will notice that the memories bring more warmth than pain, and that you carried your loved one with you into a new chapter of life.
If you or someone you know is grieving, compassionate support is available. 
Our Grief Coaching & Supportservices provide a safe space to talk, remember, and find your way forward at your own pace. Contact us for a free consultation – you don’t have to navigate this journey alone, and healing is possible with the right support.
